It was with much despair that I recently read a facebook post by a female stating how “gross” it was that women poo while at work. Considering people travel and work on average 8-10 hours a day is confounds me when exactly when women are supposed to poo, and why poo hasn’t entered the realm of women's liberation yet? (Boys I am well aware how you freely poo and regal your co-workers with your pooing success.)
Not incredibly constipation and dehydration is closely linked to severe depression and mental illness. Further taboo subjects. So go figure that women in the workplace suffer higher levels of depression and admissions to mental facilities then men. So when do we women stop flushing the toilet to disguise toilet noises and start to embrace the second most natural bodily function (second only to breathing)? When will women realise that the failure to poo at school camp could be intrinsically linked to obesity, hormonal imbalance and infertility, and irritable bowel syndrome?
Beware the childless female sporting a moustache and rubbing a bloated pot belly whinging about office toilet etiquette… She may be a bill boarded surgeon’s warning stating “I AM A CONSTIPATED, MENTALLY ILL CHICK PREPARING FOR CANCER”.
Not to mention the potential role a poorly fed stomach can play in causing strokes and heart disease. My first autopsy in the Police was of a 35 year old women that had 5 years worth of compacted poo in her intestine that eventually caused an embolism that killed her instantly.... the smell of the dead woman's emptied intestinal contents and the knowledge the Pathologist gave me INSTANTLY changed my life and the way I looked at food and alcohol.
Here’s some more poo for thought:
What has poo got to do with self defence for god’s sake? Less then 1000 years ago female Buddhist nuns actively practiced vomiting and pooing on cue to repel Mongolian and other tribal invaders from rape. SAS soldiers have written about using nervous pre-combat poos in trench warfare. After all, it is a basic premise of the ‘flight or fight’ response in humans and animals alike to stop digesting and empty their bowels when under attack. So why not use it DURING the attack? (High school students usually cringe at this part of my session, it brings me endless joy.) And the next time you are picking up your puppies street walking poo in a plastic bag, consider the joy and surprise a trail attacker might get if he opens up his eyes and sees some of your puppy poo smudged in his hair… and nose… and eyes…
So what is normal pooing?
You should poo as many times as you eat main meals in a day. Or at least poo the same volume. What goes in must come out – right? Easy maths. Your body just needs to extract the necessary energy and micro nutrients and flush the rest out. So that should be traditionally about 3 poos or equivalent meal volumes in poo a day…
If you haven’t pooed in a day, you are constipated. If you haven’t pooed in over two days (unless you are a new born) you are chronically constipated = HEALTH THREAT!
What should your poo look like?
Sausage size, and it should be easy to pass with no straining and no stringy bits. You shouldn't need to sit there for hours (that one's for the boys!). You should have a virtually clean wipe.
Your rectum will always protestith if it has been straining too much by popping out hideous little hemorrhoids and tears. Your poo should have visible tiny pieces of vegetable to show that you are eating your 6-8 servings of veges a day. Not eating 6-8 servings of veges a day? If you are over 15 you are old enough to know better and maybe this article is wasted on you.
Poo’s shouldn’t smell too bad. Not musty (that means old poo). Not like you have giardia (that means you are ill and/ or that you have lost the war to bad bacteria in your tum) . And your toilet shouldn’t look like a war zone after you have been to it. But if we are talking about etiquette please clean up after your not so good poos…Sugar = irritable bowel. Irritable bowel = constipation and/ or diarrhea and pain in joints, backs and tummys.
How do I get my poo’s regular?
Get good bacteria in your gut in the form of probiotics (get a supplement) - eat sugar free natural yoghurts, loads of green leafy veges, drink miso soup and don’t be so scared to get your hands dirty and let your toddler eat dirt.
Try Aloe GEL Juice (beware cheaper aloe juice that contains the skin of the plant as this can irritate the bowel lining) to soften, cleanse and nourish the bowel. Drink about four capfuls in a glass of filtered water up to four times a day for as many days as it takes for you to get good volume, fluidy, easy to pass poos. Then you can take it down to a maintenence dose of about 2 capfuls pre-breakfast. I take the aloe gel that comes with the cranberry juice in it too so that my wee doesn't get jealous.... (You know, to take care of the urinary tract. I'm very technical.)
Take MAGNESIUM: I tell everyone to take enough to make you poo – literally (at least a 400ml strength tablet). We are all generally pretty magnesium deficient because of the lack of nutrients traditionally in Australian soil and because we all sweat so much. Magnesium basically relaxes muscles – including the intestine and bowels.
Compete or challenge yourself regularly! Even a competitive game of chess can replicate the bodies fright or flight response and get you nervous enough to want to expel the contents of your tummy. You only have to go into the public toilets before a 'fun' run to realise that a bit of pre-game jitters is a great little digestive detox (the pooing is sometimes more beneficial than the run).
Go visit an Asian country and poo in a ground urinal! Doing a 'trench squat' to poo (with your HEALS DOWN) is the perfect way to relax the bowel. If you don't want to wee on yourself (who does? don't answer that....) it is also great for joint mobility and building essential core strength as you concentrate on stabilising your hips and ankles. So the next time your Mum complains about her knees hurting suggest - Mum, you really need to consider squatting over a long-drop to poo.... and let me know how that conversation goes.
SIDE NOTE: Did you know that your bodies first introduction to good gut bacteria is in the birth canal? Yes, that’s right… blood and fecal matter (hopefully your mum had good gut bacteria to pass on). This puts a whole new spin on the benefits of natural birth and why c-section born babies may have higher incidence of colic (a term for baby pain with no medical reason). A baby with a clean gut (NO BACTERIA) is going to be in constant and chronic amounts of pain while it tries to digest – very distressing isn’t it?
Are you drinking enough WATER? No not coke, not V, not soft drinks, not sports drinks, not fruit juices, not freaking Vitamin Water. JUST WATER…. How can you poo if you don’t have enough fluid to flush it out? How can you poo if the sugar from alcohol, soft drinks and fruit juices invades your colon and makes an army of bad bacteria that turns your soft poo into a stringy, congealed mass of candida (yeast and fungus) infested unset cement? Now that is GROSS!
Also try drinking - green tea, warm water with organic apple cider vinegar and/ or warm water and lemon juice. We all know what a good warm drink does for toilet time, so why not drink these natural, inexpensive detox drinks first thing in the morning.
And exercise – 'if you don’t move it you lose it' also applies to the workings of the stomach. So ladies before you invest in expensive compression underwear for your tummy consider going for a brisk 20 minute walk to effectively release gases and get the digestive juices rolling. Exercise (the right sort, no the hour long treadmill sort) also promotes deeper breathing and reduces the infamous inflammatory stress hormone cortisol, thereby reducing that famous ‘sh!t-on-liver’ mood that plagues us all occasionally.
If this isn’t helping SEEK professional holistic help (starting with your GP for a check up and then invest in Naturopathic, Homeopathic, Ayurvedic or Chinese medicinal advice). You made need to be treated for parasites, candida infections, food allergies and intolerance's, or it could be a precursor to something far worse.
But the investment could also lead to tummy toning and weight loss, more energy, reversal of depression, clear skin, great hair and nails and a prolonged life. Bargain!
Once you have better poos THEN you can add more fibre.
But doesn’t fibre help you poo? Yes, but only if you have enough good bacteria to break it down and fluid to flush it out. If you have a inefficient system you are just backing up the pipe works and are going to suffer from more cramping, bloating and weight gain. Bugga.
What is good fibre?
Not the stuff that comes with your Terry White meal replacements, not the orange stuff in a plastic container… It is green leafy veges and fruit. Easy to digest whole grains eaten in moderation (like quinoa, rye, kumult, buck wheat, brown rice and spelt).
White flour… is… toxic.
Flour in any form is NOT easy to digest. It just irritates the bowel. Pre-processed grain comes with an outer husk that contains a digestive enzyme required by the stomach to break down the white, gummy part of flour (starch). Without the whole grain enzyme it is virtually impossible for the body to break down white breads, pasta, and cakes. Which means you are left with a cement like paste clogging up your gut. Which means that food that should have been digested over 24 hours before could be in gumming up your tummy for years and years. Decades... and this is commonly why every 10 years we seem to stack on another couple of kilos 'for no reason at all I tell you!'
So ladies, before we pass judgement on poos in public, which is the greater evil?
Mental illness and bowel cancer from years worth of poo in your stomach?
Or having a quick, pain free, tummy toning poo at work?
A little explosive relief for the day.
Poo for thought, that's all I'm saying...