Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My top 10 prophecies on the rise and fall of CrossFit, Paleo and all things that will make you love or hate me….


Although, my son, I have used the word prophet, I would not attribute to myself a title of such lofty sublimity—Nostradamus; Preface to César, 1555

Think of me as having super powers… one of my superpowers is super-self healing abilities (that’s for another post), but I may also have the ability to see through diet and exercise fads.  I will re-post this in 5 years and see how my predictions go shall I???

  1. Governments will give more money to ‘breastfeeding’ programs than immunisations programs.  FACT: The greatest Australian killers are diabetes, cancers and obesity…breastfeed your babies for 3 years and these diseases come off the table for Mums and bubs.  Breastfed kids will win the Noble Peace prize for innovations in saving the environment and for being so uber smart and healthy.  The Medicare debt diminishes as hospital beds empty.  Simples.
  2. Paleo diets in their extreme will pale and putrefy.  Whole food groups should not be eliminated from your diet unless you are allergic to them.  You should not be eating a side of beef and a kilo of bacon a day.  You need carbs to think people… or your body will convert muscle to glucose.  Which defies the premise of Paleo.  Full stop.
  3. Protein powders will be linked to bowel cancer.  Protein in this form was not meant to be guzzled like this.  Your liver hates it.  Enough said.
  4. Goat meat , hemp and aloe vera farming will be the way of the future.  Goat meat - so good for you, so delicious, so drought hardy, so much less farting and so sustainable.  Aloe vera should replace most preservatives in creams, shampoos and beauty products… and we should be drinking it by the gallon for our tums and bums… And hello, what Queensland garden can’t grow it?  And hemp… for rope; sustainable inflammable, cyclone graded building materials; AND AS A FOOD!  For fear of repeating myself… What Queensland garden can’t grow it?
  5. Ayurvedic medicine and diet will be embraced.  Because, golly gosh, 5,000 years of knowledge might just have some relevance???  And if you hit me with your western medicine superiority complex may I remind you that while saxons where shitting in ditches and eating our dead families hearts and eyes for their healing abilities the Asian population were innovating architecture, plumbing, self-carbonated glass bottles, astronomy, medicine, writing implements, paper, metal chemistry, warfare and a system of government.
  6. Not one single diet in HISTORY has worked, and we will come to terms with it.  This is not a new concept.  Universities have been discovering that since the advent of diets in the 60’s that we are becoming fatter with every diet we try.  Have a look at why Weight Watches is so successful as a business.  Read their success stats after 2 years, please!!!!!   You have to fail in order to keep their business churning over your hard earned cash.
  7. Meal replacement drinks will never work.  Your mouth and mind wants to chew: in fact reliance on meal replacement drinks have been linked to OCD’s such as eating hair, nails, skin and SAND!  And if they HAVE worked for you in the past remember this: losing weight can also mean losing muscle.  Of course you are going to lose weight if you are only consuming 90 calories a day!  DUH!
  8. Social media ‘home experts’ telling you what to eat, how to train, what to think, will find their toned bottoms losing their family homes in court.  Because, like tax, you claim whatever you want, but you have to back it up in court.  And it just takes one daughter dying with an eating disorder, and an irate mum on a legal mission to bring well meaning, meme swinging, selfie taking, self appointed experts down.
  9. Cross fit will flame bright, fizzle and dizzle.  For loads of reasons (perhaps notable rhabdomyolysis & reoccurring shoulder dislocations), but fundamentally it is not sustainable - for the bodies of the general population.  In a litigious society the courts will soon prevail on whether box’s have addressed their duty of care for addressing individual safety of practitioners (i.e. WOD = ‘Wads Of Documents' that can prove on the balance of probabilities that one workout does not suit all).  This is further highlighted by the fact that CrossFit is undisputedly the hardest fitness movement to insure - most boxes are uninsured or the more prodigious ones have developed their own underwriting with solicitors.  It is also on the outer with “Fitness Bodies” aka Fitness Professional Monopolies that accredit and oversee fitness professionals in Australia while laughing all the way to the bank at the expense of cash poor PT’s.  They do not like not having a piece of the CrossFit pie!  Now, before you get up my ribs I LOVE THE CULT OF CROSSFIT.  I love that it has brought strength training to Mums and Dads in the burbs… But like Nostradamus predicting the World Wars I tell you only the horrors I see in my visions.  Let history test my prophecy.
  10. Bakeries as will be as popular as a good quality, hole in the wall expresso house.  Gluten-free diets will be as attractive as g-string leotards when we realise it’s the way we have let Woolworths and Coles serve us nutritionally dangerous bread and pasta that has made us sick!  Move over ‘Bean Hunter’ and hello ‘Bake Hunter’ as we search for the perfect in-house whole grain milled flours (spelt, kumult, hemp, rye), generational mother yeasts and award winning chai, oats, pine nut, sesame, and pepitas artfully mixed with our favourite veggies, fruits, whey and cheeses.

  11. Now let me put on my red sparky shoes, tap my heels 3 times and see how Kansas looks in 5 years time.    Be the person that questions, be the person who wants to be more, think more, do more!

    And the truth shall set you free…


Unknown said...

I love the way you think!

P.S. Please open a bakery!!

Iga said...

Hello mate ggreat blog