Mobile phones are killing our teens, and that is the truth.

School teachers don't have the time, nor are they allowed, to go public on this major health epidemic.

But every time you hand that phone to your child, you are enabling their personal safety demise.

I guarantee that you gave your child that device on the premise that it was for their 'safety' so that they could call you.  Call you if they are in trouble, being abducted, being threatened - need help.  But what if I told you that the phone is the reason that they will be targeted in the first place?  And when they are targeted the phone will retard any natural survival instincts they may have, and long after an incident, will trigger or compound mental health issues.

Statistically that phone won't be used to save them, but will enable their demise.  The phone makes your child a really good victim.

I have been teaching self defence and personal safety to high school students for 12 years.  What I see in classrooms would make your hair fall out.  Our kids are in trouble - mentally, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and physically - and we are enabling it.

I have seen a degeneration in physical coordination - an inability to know left from right.  An inability to hear a direction and react immediately.

I have seen a degeneration in emotional regulation - outbursts similar to my 4 year olds tantrums.  An inability to recognise that they control their emotions.

I have seen social degeneration. Ok, ok.  Socrates himself would bemoan the self-centred ignorance/arrogance of Ancient Greek teens.  This is nothing new.  But what is new is that the brains of our teens has been deprogramed - reprogrammed - and it is not a program of resilience.  Whole sections of our brain die when we become dependant on iOS technology.

When I was teaching this week most of the students had their phones in plain view.  The screens white and blinking, thumbs flicking - regardless of the fact that the school has a 'no phones during class' policy.

Your child will replicate whatever behaviour they use daily in an uncomfortable situation.  For example, your teen girl will giggle during a sexual assault, the same as she will giggle, whisper and eye-roll with her friends when reprimanded for disruptive behaviour.  I actually lost a court case when a female sexual assault victim was cross examined and gave evidence that she giggled during the rape.  A giggle does not imply consent.  We got that?  No consent given.  But I can't teach the patriarchal judge that this is normal modern female behaviour - instilled the moment a kindergarten teacher claps 'inside voice, outside voices' or 'girls, close your legs,' and 'ladies, don't yell.'  I can't re-teach or reach that jury that where predominately male, pale, and stale.  That classroom was let out a long time ago.

But I can teach your girls to start watching how they unconciously react when they are under stress.

And it is most likely they will reach for a phone.

They will reach for the phone the same way that mums have been shown in recent disaster victim studies to clean their kitchen, put on a load of washing or walk around in circles muttering and giggling (or phoning their mum) when being told to evacuate immediately.

True study, read more here.  It made me realise it is my natural reaction to clean and stack. Those fluffy toys are all going to be neat and tidy for the arrival of a cyclone at the expense of my children's survival.  This is embarrassing, but true.  Self reflection is always going to a vital tool on your personal safety tool belt.

I was telling a group of grade 11 students the story of a young Russian woman who was fishing with her Dad when they were attacked by a brown bear.  It may be observed that the girl's natural reaction when in discomfort was to go to her phone - so while her father's lifeless body was being ripped apart she started making phone calls.  The bear - a new mother - may have instinctively assessed the young woman as easy prey and went away to rally her starving cubs.  She returned with her brood to find the injured girl in-situ, and on her phone.  So the whole nightmarish feast continued all the while with a frantic and helpless Russian mum on the other end of the phone, listening to her daughters agonising demise.

This is not just a climate change warning about humans encroaching on the animals kingdoms natural habitat and an apex predator trying to feed her starving babies.  It is a story of a deterioration in human survival instincts.  It is a complete inability to assess risk,  react and act - using our body and mind simultaneously to remove ourselves from danger.

For every second we are on that phone, searching for that phone, or wishing we had that phone, we are food for bears. Figuratively and literally.

I just finished telling this story when I saw one of the girls playing with her phone.  The story made her uncomfortable, so #ironically she turned to her comfort source.  Her phone.  I gave her a warning.  Told her to put the phone away.  She sat on it and said "You can't make me."

I could make her, but the thought of removing a phone covered in bum juice made my choice pretty obvious.

An hour later we where talking about defence against sexual assault, and that 1 in 3 Australian girls under the age of 16 had already been the victim of sexual assault.  This meant that at a hand full of girls in the classroom could have been sexually assaulted already.  This may have made my 'phone sitting student' uncomfortable.  Or not?  So she got her phone out again and started to show her boyfriend  something that was uber interesting.  In plain view.

I related to her that while she may not be concerned about her personal safety, statistically the person beside her may already a victim (1 in 6 boys experience sexual abuse before the age of 16), or will be in the future, so don't deny them the right to learn strategies to keep them safe.  I told her to put her phone away or leave.  So with a great gusto (the most activity I had seen from her all day) she threw her arms in the air and left with a cloud of expletives and statements blaming everyone else for her predicament.  "I wasn't even on the phhhoooonnnnnneee!!! Wah!"

She was like a cocaine addict being denied a hit.  Violent.  Irrational.  Inconsolable.

This is the result of mobile phone addiction.

The cycle becomes more vicious when you consider that this girl, when feeling triggered, may then use her phone (as she is hiding in the school dunny) to attack her 'frenemies' on social media.  These attacks will lack emotional intelligence, the ability to discern, and most certainly lack empathy.   Her brain will be stuck in lizard brain - the brain that attacks, plays dead, and then attacks again.  The same brain that trolls and bullies and lashes out.  The same brain that blames other people for how they feel.  But let's think about the person/people that may be at the end of the attack: they too may have a dependance on their phone, and a lack of emotional resilience.  So when they read/ hear/ are confronted by the outburst of a lizard brain this may trigger a defensive reaction within them.   Lizard V Lizard.  And then they may start to lash out - or - retreat into depression.  And we don't need the statistics on teen suicide to see where this is going.  The phone has caused a cycle of mental illness, dependance, and aggression, and has enabled countless premature deaths.  Are we brave enough to put a number to a death toll?

Our children are emotionally and mentally addicted to their phones -  and as result they are intellectually and emotionally handicapped.  It is yet to be seen whether they are going to have the life skills to be able to live independently in our society.   Those statistics have already trickled out into our trade industry where only 20 -30% of apprentices complete their qualifications.

Without boring you too much let's think about a couple of times the phone puts your child at risk:

• crossing the road while talking/ texting on the phone
• running with ear buds
• texting while driving
• 'connecting' with groups our individuals that groom your child for sex, or to become involved in terrorism or hate crimes
• sexting (this could land them a criminal record as a sex offender)
• not hearing/ seeing/ feeling danger
• killing off sections of the brain required for basic survival

When the phone may save your child: 

• when your child (or emergency services) call you because of all of the above

So, this is really a no brainer.  We don't need governments or schools to do something about this.  It is as simple as reassessing the BS that you believe that your child needs a phone in order to be safe.

Do you hand your child a gun to keep them safe?

Uh oh....... that's food for another blog.

We have been believing a lie.  It's time to change what is not working.

Passive aggressive is still aggressive

Have you ever had a sick day rather than have to deal with a supervisor that has been riding you like a pack mule?

Or fantasised about holding an imaginary voodoo ritual conducted on a family member who insists it is their birth right to prove your stupidity at every family do?

How many nights have you lay awake arguing with a phantom work mate?
(If this scenario just took a romantic turn in your head this blog may not be for you.)

One of the most empowering things I have done in my work/life history was not learning to fire a semi automatic glock (albeit badly), but to get down and dirty with a communication professor to learn true communication terms and how they can impact on our ability to deal with stress.   I really had to have a good hard look at my assertion and listening abilities so that I can develop a better way to work and play.  And most significantly - the ability to develop strategies to eliminate bullying, domestic violence and war.  Yes peeps - the big stuff.  But we are the shittest of the shit at communication.  Hence, an Australian woman's greatest threat to her life is her current or former partner, and we are teetering on the edge of World War III.

Maybe people get to the point where they believe, "Man, it's tough, I don't want to have one more thing I have to do... think.... say...  I would prefer it just all went away."  #ponderingmylifeasarapper

Maybe this is why people say 'I don't like confrontation', and are supported with knowing nods.  And if anyone were to say, 'No, I do like to put it all out on the table,' people take a little step away and look upon said self confessed confronter with a tentative curiosity - wondering where we store this one-eyed, war-scarred unicorn. Is this person dangerous?  Or are they useful?  (And, how can I use them to my advantage? Hmmmm.)

But it is our inability to confront people that could be eroding away at our mental health, our family life and our workplace performance.

Confrontation is one of the most poorly understood terms in the English language.  Hollywood has brain washed us to invoke images of strapping on a fully automatic weapon dripping with ammunition and a sweaty head band to make good on a cause.  There are connotations of witty verbose, yelling, name calling and courtroom scenes.   However, the true, literal definition of confrontation is much more benign and calm.  It is almost bland. Confrontation in its purest form is an attempt to bring awareness of a significant gap between a persons actions and their words.

For example:

I am here to tell you that what you doing, and what you saying, are not the same. 

No blood shed, no screaming, crying, streaming snot bubbles.   No steely glances, fist pumping or spitting.  No one gets sacked, killed, or hot water thrown in their face.

Just one soul telling another soul that something isn't adding up.

The words 'I don't like confrontation' becomes an excuse, or a validation, to remain passive.  And this is the most simple definition of passive aggressive behaviour.  By avoiding confrontation, the very drama the person is claiming they are seeking to avoid is actually being created - but on a different level.  A level of avoidance, complacency and a general expression of "I can't - you do it."

An example of passive aggression may be:

"I didn't do what I said I would.... because I was sick, tired, busy, busy, busy."

Hey, don't think I don't see the #irony here.  There are only so many balls in the air that we can all juggle before they come crashing down.  But in the spirit of learning and teaching better communication I no longer regale people with my lists.  Because a communication expert taught me that this is just me being passively aggressive. And she is uber smart. Even when she was shining a light brightly and solidly at my big pimply communication flaws, I still enjoyed the process - and didn't die.  I just had to squeeze a bit to get to the core of the matter.  (Try and get that image out of your head).

And more importantly I needed to learn this:  Passive aggressive is still being aggressive.

And I made a decision - that is not how I want to roll (anymore).

I don't want to be aggressive anymore.

I don't want that flittering, unhinged feeling anymore.  So now, instead of the passive aggressive lists, I apologise and acknowledge my actions, and propose solutions to said inadequacies.

Likewise, if I see that a person's actions and their words are on two seperate paths I make a judgement call as to whether it needs to be addressed for the sake of my work life, family life and mental health.  Once I recognise it, I confront it, and I deal with it.  I wash the dishes so I can get an early night.

I don't need to name call, or blame, or say "You let me down you doe brained fly penis, don't you know how busy I am?"

That is just plain aggressive.

I am also more cognisant of 'poor me' statements like "You make me feel... [insert superimposed feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacies here]."

Nobody makes me feel anything but me.  It is my job to confront it and deal with it.

And I will also confront a person (my children are definitely not exempt) if they say to me: "You made me...", "You make me feel..."

Nope, nope, nope.  I understand you feel a certain way.... and I am compassionate to that.  But they are your feelings.

I have no control over you, or your feelings.

But I do have control over my response.  And my response can be one of compassion, and one can should never confuse compassion with submission.

Just like if I saw somebody in pain standing on a bridge contemplating whether to jump, I would not hesitate to confront them.  I would not walk away with a subconscious passive belief that it was someone else's job to help them.

I would say something like this:
"You don't have to do this.  Not today.  Not here.  I will be affected by what you are about to do forever."

There are only two real emotions - fear and love.  We get to choose which one we are going to run with.  Which one are you taking out on to the track today?


Does your training officer need to get onboard with workplace stress and communications training?  Send them this way, I will sort them out.

Who is the twit writing this blog?

What do people think about RAVES and RAVES courses?

How do we make self defence SEXY?

How do we make self defence and personal protection for our teens something that they really want to do?

How do we take away the connotations of crusty old men in gee’s doing martial arts moves?   Moves that were traditionally practiced for 2-3 hours at dawn everyday before they were even remotely perfected by Asian warriors and monks…

Mmmmmmm… Of course self defence is an important skill.  It is only when you have been attacked or violated that you treasure the peace and contentment that came prior to the attack, and the thought that you wish you could have done things differently.  Of course you want to know that you have given your children every chance of survival…

But unfortunately, the people who require self defence and personal protection skills more than anybody, will also be the least likely to reach out for these skills.  They are the person that is least likely to react to situations quickly, to assert influence and judgement in a situation, to display the self confidence required to avoid victimisation… TO YELL THEIR GUTS OUT SO THAT AN ATTACKER WILL RUN FOR THE HILLS!

This is a fundamental truth. We can’t control how other people act… but we can control how WE react.

Is self defence sexy?  Of course it is… if it is taught correctly.

It is an attractive quality in both men AND women that they are confident and capable.  That they can protect themselves and their family.  So we have a little bit of a job on our hands teaching the current generation of teen girls that hair and makeup aren’t what define their attractiveness… that their ability to think, act, and be capable is far more attractive then the cowering girl with perfect hair.

AND did you know that a teen boy is THREE times more likely to die because of their immature neural path development required to think through risk?  Put simply, they aren’t mature enough to think safely.  UNLESS THEY ARE TAUGHT…

The answer…. if they want sexy, let’s give them sexy… Sexy is capable, and able to look after themselves and others.

A sexy male is calm, strong and has rational thought processes to protect himself and others.  He is the ‘go to man’.  The man women swoon over because of his love of family and his ability to sort things out.  When the shit hits the fan, we go to this man… #contemplatingmylifeasarapperagain

A sexy female isn’t skinny… she is strong.  She thinks for herself, holds her head high and with confidence, and attracts strong, confident, like-minded people into her life.   She will not remain silent about abuses against herself and others.

A sexy person is a person that takes responsibility for their health and their learning.  Their is nothing more ‘unsexy’ then someone who loves blaming others for how bad their life is, how sick they are, how hard-done-by they are.  Since we were cave men, strong has ALWAYS been the new sexy.  It has never changed.  Modern medicine and agriculture have just ensured a longer living breed of ‘unsexy’ that would not have normally survived evolution. 

Strong is sexy.

Strength in emotional health, physical health, and strength in the ability to protect yourself and others…  Strength in carefully chosen words.  Strength in carefully chosen silence.  Strength in choosing to listen rather then having to be right.  Strength in choosing your battles wisely…

But to teach strength, you need to look to strong role models. Self defence is traditionally the domain of the male dominated  martial arts… where 100 kilo men ‘allow’ women to try some moves.  These moves often aren’t simple, because how can the complexity of the sport and the talent of the instructor be showcased with simple moves???

So rule number one for sexy self defence:
Teach without ego.

Statistics indicate that your child is most likely to die prematurely due to suicide and violent incident at the hands of their friends or family, then by the 'bogey-man’ or an unknown predator.

Do your teens have the capacity to understand the permanency of death?  Do you talk about death? That there are better options in bad situations?  That people are always there to help them?  And that strength comes from asking for help.

We need to remove this wrong assumption that children cannot deal with 'facts'.  They can.  It is an adult learned biases that create 'reasons' for not sharing information with children.  If you speak to children with an open heart, and without ego, you are saying exactly the right words that are needed for every situation.

It also overwhelms me that people, still secretly, habour this belief that death may escape them (they will be the exception), and it gives tacit permission to vexate on the little stuff and be arseholes.

It is our responsibility as parents to teach resilience to our teens and kids… and to be open and honest in our communication with them.  It's a tenuous balancing act of wanting to provide a safe place to fall, and be a robust magnet propelling them into the greater world.

Rule number two:
Let the instructors be a good role model of the strength that you want to teach your child.

The teaching of self defence goes largely unmonitored. Instructors may have criminal histories and links to organised crime as a result of their ‘fighting history’ that parents of students are completely unaware of.







Rule number three:
Good self defence teaches you how to defend yourself without relying on weapons.

I have seen instructors teach women to walk around with film canisters of chilli and talcum powder in their handbag, and instruct how to make other homemade weapons.  Which is 1: an offence against the Queensland Criminal Code (see: Man Trap) and 2: no freaking good if you are busy fumbling around in your bag while you are being knocked unconscious!  I can't even find my lipgloss when happy and relaxed. #softlipgoals







Rule number four:
Healthy and safe thought processes are more important to teach your child, than any form of punching or kicking.

But for something to be really sexy to a teen, it’s got to be something that they see adults really getting excited about.

Rule number five:
If you want your kids to be safe and develop their strengths, then you have to be know how to be safe and strong too… and be really excited about it.

Be the change you want in the world.

I will try and do ANYTHING in my power to keep you and your family safe ands strong.  I am not a big gear boy fighter, I’m just a little chick with a loud voice and the fortune to have thirsted for all the knowledge and experience that working in the Police and the personal protection industry has afforded me.

I have a family and I keep trying to learn how to be a better parent. I spend time researching what is hurting and killing our teens and children.  I have thrown the square away and will keep continuing to seek teaching methods on keeping people not just alive, BUT HEALTHY AND HAPPY!







I have developed courses for kids and A.S.D. needs, teen boys and girls, the workforce and disability workers, childcare and I am continuing daily to develop more for more specific requirements with my RAVES program.  Better still…. I have recruited instructors with a similar background and the desire to teach personal protection, fitness and lifestyle programs with the same passion that I have (and they know how to make it sexy…).

But don’t just listen to my ramblings… see what the QPS, schools, Women’s Groups and other organisation's think of the programs we have to offer…